So here is another random post about something that has been on my mind for quite some time now: weight....not wait...but WEIGHT.
I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. In fact, I have a vivid memory from when I was 6 years old about my weight. My dad's two sisters were in town visiting and I distinctly remember them commenting to each other about how I was getting "chunky." They had no idea that I was listening and that their words would stick with me forever.
Another memory I have was from middle school. My mom and I had swung by the school gym to pick up my older brother from basketball practice. I ran inside to get him while my mom waited in the car. When I walked into the gym, my brother was hanging around with all his guy friends and when he saw me, he greeted me with "hey fatty" in front of everyone. I was mortified. I remember being totally devastated for the longest time, despite my parents' efforts to make him apologize and him reassuring me that he was only joking. Words hurt, but even more so, I felt that the words had truth to them. Maybe I really was fat and overweight. In retrospect, I wasn't really fat, but I definitely wasn't the typical bean pole like all of my peers. I probably could have eaten more heathful as a kid, but I was picky and my parents did the best that they could.
Anyways, as I entered into high school I couldn't really find any sports that I was good at, so I didn't get as much exercise as I should have. As a result, the pounds started packing on because I ate like any typical teenager-- school lunches, pizza, fast food, etc. By my junior year I was wearing a size 10 or 12 clothing and weighing in around 155/160 (I'm 5'4). Obviously, that's a lot for a 16 year old girl. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore...people were definitely making comments about my weight and I felt awful about myself. I starting running the summer between my junior and senior year and dropped over 40 pounds. Unfortunately, it became an obsession. I cut my calorie intake to under 800 calories per day and ran about 3-5miles per day. It was too much for sure. I dwindled down to about 115 pounds. I wore a size 2 or 4 in clothes.
As I got into college I was able to maintain a healthy weight for myself by regular exercise and eating healthy, but I still went up and down a lot. I remember at my brother's wedding (I was 20 years old) I had ballooned back up to a size 10/12 and I was miserable. Usually, whenever I stopped exercising is when I would start gaining again. Obviously, this makes sense but it was a constant struggle for me to stay committed to healthy eating and a vigorous workout routine. Why couldn't I be like all my friends who ate whatever they wanted and never had to exercise to stay at a normal weight? It just didn't seem fair.
Anyways, fast forward to when I got pregnant. I had gained 10 lbs since getting married and continued to gain almost 50 lbs during pregnancy. I assumed breast feeding would melt off the pounds so I wasn't too worried. Besides, I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy and not be consumed with counting calories for once. So, I did just that, and boy did I pay for it afterwards! I lost about 15 pounds at delivery and about 10 or 15 more through breastfeeding, but the minute I stopped nursing, so did my weight loss! I was stuck in a size 12 and around 170 lbs. I can't even describe how low my self esteem was and how bad I felt for "letting myself go." It wasn't fair to my husband or myself. But, unfortunately, I just couldn't make the time to exercise and I had no one to watch Greenlee while I went. I was sleep deprived too, which doesn't help when you are trying to start an exercise regimen.
Finally, when Greenlee was 8 months old, I had a a break-through. We were in North Dakota visiting my in-laws and they had scheduled a family photo session. I refused to take part in the photos because I was so embarrassed of my weight. I felt so guilty for not being in the photos because I knew it was selfish and prideful. But, it was the defining moment for me because I knew something had to change. When we got back, I told Josiah that I had to join a gym. He gladly shelled out the cash and also said we could increase our grocery budget in order to buy more healthy foods (fresh produce, fish, etc).
Since July 11th, I have lost 16 pounds and am now in a size 8. Almost all my old clothes fit me and it is just such a wonderful feeling. It is definitely a struggle to fit the gym in some days and to find someone to watch Greenlee while I go, but I make it work-- 5 days a week. I've also transformed my diet-- almost completely cutting out sugar and bad carbs. I do allow myself cheat days though, because it keeps me sane! For the most part, Josiah has been doing the dieting and working out with me, so it has helped to have a partner in my journey. I still have about 15 or 20 more pounds I would like to lose, but I feel that as long as I stick to my routine, it shouldn't be too hard to get there.
I guess I'm writing this to encourage anyone who may be struggling in this area. Just know that you are not alone and that you can change. I did and am still doing so...it's a constant battle of the mind and body. The good news is that God truly does care, even about things like weight that may seem trivial to some people. Praying does wonders for me when I get discouraged or want to give up.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. Therefore, honor God with your body."
I'll close this post with some pictures that demonstrate my constant struggle.
December 2009- 145 lbs
September 2011-- 11 months post-delivery-- 155lbs
December 2010- 3 months post-delivery-- somewhere over 170 lbs
October 2010- 3 weeks post-delivery-- somewhere over 180lbs
August 2009- my honeymoon 135lbs
